Today I threw up purposely for the first time in over a year now.
And you know what, it felt great.
Not the fact that I was weak enough to eat (a bun with mayonnaise and melted cheese, a big cookie with chocolate chips, 5 candies, 2 pieces of meat, broccoli with melted cheese, a bite of a sweet bun with sweet cream), not the purging process. No. but the feeling of relieve after I did it.
The bulimia was forbidden. Something I was avoiding, hating with all my heart but yet missing it.
I am very strong, I can not eat for days and feel no strong hunger. I can live on water, tea and mint candies. Oh, and of course cigarettes.
But sometimes, you just have to. Might be because you are missing the feeling of chewing and swallowing, the taste of food in your mouth, the small and painful joy it brings. Might be because your body just can't stand the hunger anymore, it undoes what your mind is telling you to do, and just forces you to eat unwillingly. Might be because someone invites you to a big meal, to celebrate something or just to have dinner together. You can't just sit there without eating. They will start asking questions. You don't want that. So you eat. You eat like a "normal person", without chopping your food into tiny pieces, chewing on every piece for exact 20 seconds, drinking a sip of water after every bite.
You can keep on like this for a few days. But then, you reach to a breaking point. You don't care about anything else after you finish your meal, but taking every bit of it out. Fast. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, open the water, and purge. You wash your face, brush your teeth, and go back to the table, drinking 5 cups of water, saying you're full.
Nobody notices. You are an expert.
Not eating is hard when you have so many people around you all the time. They examine your behavior closely. They know you were sick once, they know you are emotionally unstable, they know it can come back. They know you want to be thin.
Especially your boyfriend. You talk about everything. You told him your story. He knows the sickness is coming back. He's worried. He wants you to eat with him. He is loving and caring, he doesn't understand your need to be something else. To be perfect, flesh and bone, an amazing sculpture of the human body. Strong, under control.
Nobody that hasn't gone through this can understand. It's yours and only yours.
I still have no idea how much I weight. It's killing me. I used to weight myself 10 times a day. I was just a number for a long time. how much I weighed was all that mattered. I don't know exactly why, but in some masochistic way I want this feeling back again. Hunger. I want to fast for days like I used to.
Cassie. ♥
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כינוי:
Cassie.