Bulimia is Anorexia's ugly stepsister

63

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 01:46:00 +0200

I got new scales.63 kg on 177 cm. BMI 20.In order to reach the BMI I want, 17 (underweight), I need to weight 53 kg.10 kg less than I am now.Not a biggie, I can do it.I've once reached 58, my previous final goal.Lost 30 kg.For now I can only remember what I ate today and the day before. 24 Hours passed between the two meals.A salad with garlic bread and some bread with strawberry jam yesterday,And mushroom soup and a cup of cornflakes without milk today.I've decided I won't count calories anymore.Too big of a burden to obsess about everyday.I prefer just to eat a bit once a day, non fat stuff.I don't eat dairy products anymore. No fried food as well. Trying to eat as less carbs as possible.I can feel and see my bones again.This is an amazing feeling.I don't eat for 24 hours and the change is already noticeable.My mom said I shrunk. That I lost much weight.My boyfriend said he likes the changes but warned me not to get into this again. I love him with all my heart but this time it's abo

You only fail if you stop trying

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 22:53:00 +0200

Today I threw up purposely for the first time in over a year now.And you know what, it felt great.Not the fact that I was weak enough to eat (a bun with mayonnaise and melted cheese, a big cookie with chocolate chips, 5 candies, 2 pieces of meat, broccoli with melted cheese, a bite of a sweet bun with sweet cream), not the purging process. No. but the feeling of relieve after I did it.The bulimia was forbidden. Something I was avoiding, hating with all my heart but yet missing it.I am very strong, I can not eat for days and feel no strong hunger. I can live on water, tea and mint candies. Oh, and of course cigarettes.But sometimes, you just have to. Might be because you are missing the feeling of chewing and swallowing, the taste of food in your mouth, the small and painful joy it brings. Might be because your body just can't stand the hunger anymore, it undoes what your mind is telling you to do, and just forces you to eat unwillingly. Might be because someone invites you to a big mea

ANA

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:29:00 +0200

I thought I killed Ana But she never dies. Ana can't die. Ana is immortal. Today I had two breads with salami and a roll of sushi with salmon and avocado. Oh, and also a whole bottle of martini. Yay me, who is still drunk btw. I want to do a juice fast starting the 1st of February. For about a week for now. If I see I can handle more, I'll go for a month. If you do a juice fast for a month, you can lose up to 25 kg. I do want that. I know I gained weight since I last visited this blog, but I have no idea how much I weigh. Probably about 65 kg. No scales. I wanna get to 55. I need to buy new scales and uptade about my weight as soon as possible. I'm still uber drunk and feel like shit because I cried for two hours. I need some lovin' Cassie. ♥

I'm back bitches

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:15:00 +0200

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Wed, 12 May 2010 02:49:00 +0200

Cassie. ♥

Once you start it never ends.

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 13:25:00 +0200

Cornflakes with a bit of milk in the morning, and liquids (sugar free) for the rest of the day.I gained 5 kg since I stopped fasting and puking.I now weigh 73 kg.Such a pity.I was 68 already. Closer than I've ever got. And now I screwed it all up.Well, not for long, because I am back now. I'm tired of quitting.I had never finished any "project" I started.Well, it's time to break that bad habit. Because by the age of 17, I am going to weigh 55- kg.Seven months.I can go far under that goal.But first I need to get to 69. I can't stand the number seven anymore. I already got rid of it before. I can do it again in no time.I got a job at McDonald's.Tuesday at 5 PM will be my first shift.And I swear to myself, I won't be eating there.The workers get free meals. I will give mine away to my sister or my friends.It's a promise.Remember how I promised I won't be eating anything from the school cafeteria again?Well, the only thing I got there is water or coffee.I am a woman of my word.So much has

It's good to be back.

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 01:22:00 +0200

As I was walking through a life one morningthe sun was out, the air was warm, butOh, I was coldAnd though I must have looked a half a person,to tell the tale, in my own version,It was only then that I felt wholeBut do you believe in something beautiful?Then get up and be itFighting for the smallest goal to, get a little self-contolI know how hard you try. I see it in your eyesBut call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rottenAnd what's eating you alive might help you to survive.We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand TraditionAnd oh, what did we find?It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and AnaOh, we'd been unkindBut do you believe in something beautiful?Then get up and be itFighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-controlI see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.But call your friends,'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rottenAnd what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.And even

I'm good enough but I'm not there.

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:20:00 +0200

I did a 40 hours fast. And then I had to eat something, so I can take my antibiotics. So I ate dark bread with honey and two chocolate pieces (11 AM), and then owe meal (8 PM). I started a new fast which would last until I need to take my antibiotics again. So far, 13.5 hours passed. I am still sick, but I feel better than before. Maybe I can even pass on taking my medicine. I am a little worried of going back in school. I miss all my friends, of course, but they are all like.. watching me. Constantly trying to feed me, watching my behavior, watching me when I eat.. I really wish they would stop doing that. I am supposed to meet my nutritionist today, but I can't go because I'm too sick. I don't wanna see her anymore. She thinks I am mentally ill. I will keep seeing her until the end of the month, because we already paid her for December. Some mistake, huh? But it doesn't mean I'm going to eat according to the menu she gave me. I'm trying very hard to stop myself fr

Difficulties.

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:07:00 +0200

This was a tough week.I was being watched every day.My mother knows about my Mia. She is watching me, doesn't let me go to the bathroom after I eat.. I feel like I'm in prison.I am being forced to eat according to a menu, and I can't purge.I caught a cold a few days ago, and yesterday I forgot I took pills, and I drank beer.. So it made things worse, and now I can hardly move. My head is exploding.But I'm glad I am sick. This will get me back to normal. When you are sick, you don't want to eat anything.I am going to fast from now on. I want to do an 80 + hours fast.I want to lose a few kgs before going back in school.I am sick of going up and down every time. I just want to go down like before.I need to put myself some limits.Like, fast for at least 50 hours every week. Start counting calories again. Not to go over 100 calories a day.Say no when they force me. Not to give in to them. Not to my parents, not to my shrink, not to my social worker, not to my nutritionist, not to my friends

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

nobody@israblog.co.il (Cassie.) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:34:00 +0200

Today I threw a whole lunch out the window. It felt great. I had to, since I need to eat according to the stupid menu the nutritionist gave me, and my mom just won't let me miss one meal. I just walked in the rain and found my lunch laying there. It made me feel strong. I don't need to listen to my body's whining. I am better, stronger. I've decided to eat breakfast every day. It's actually helping me lose more weight than while fasting. Today I ate for breakfast an energy bar and an apple (9 AM). At about 2 PM I had coffee and a lollipop. My nutritionist told me that everything you eat at breakfast, doesn't count. It just helps the body to lose weight, instead of gain weight. I've read about it, and it's true. You can eat whatever you want, as much as you want for breakfast, and lose more weight! This is amazing. So I've decided to eat only breakfast every day. :) I am finally allowed to go out. After three long weeks I've been stuck at home every day, especially on