I've been doing a little re-reading of all those posts I've written here for you, and man... I think I can honestly say that I'm in a different place now, bot mind-wise, and more importantly, heart-wise. It's not even that I'm not waiting for a reply anymore, I'm not waiting for you. I finally, finally finally finally understand it won't happen. So sad to admit it, really, as you were the first love of my life.
The hardest thing to do is to actually put you behind, to erase every trace of you from my life. I'm constantly worried that even if I'd decide to forget you, the day would come and thoughts of you would return. I'm still worried that I am not emotionally capable of putting you behind.
But maybe... Maybe it's the nature of these things. Maybe you're not supposed to completly forget the ones you love, and maybe you'd always have emotions for them. But is it a good enough reason to linger in the past, trying to achieve the unreachable? Unfortunately, I think not.
I made a mistake earlier- I didn't need to wait for my heart to understand, cause it wouldn't just do that on itself. My mind needs to make the first step. By mentally forgetting you, I will do the same emotionally, or so I hope. That's my plan, anyways.
The thing is...
There's a reason I don't want to forget you, and not only because I still love you so much. It's because I don't want to feel another failure. I was so sure that this time... This time's for real. This time, I would succeed. This time won't be like those other times, when I put out my heart for someone, and recieved nothing in return. All those failures made me such a closed man. That's why it was so hard for me to comprehend that I'm inlove with you. When I finally did, I knew that this one can't be a failure. In fact, I was so convinced of that, that it sort of blinded me. It made me keep on believing, even though there was no reason. It still makes it so hard for me to admit it's over.
What terrifies me the most, is that after this gigantic failure, I might not be able to love again for a long long time. Just thinking of how hard it was for me to love now, after all those things in the past I don't want to remember, and how much harder it would be from now on... Man, it gives me chills.
It is not the final letter I promised. I still can't write that one. But now, unlike before, I know I am walking the right road. And in the end of that road there's the power I lack to do it. See you on the end of that road.
בבלוג זה
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