So here it is. The final letter, delivered as promised. So much has changed since. I changed. So, so very much. This one comes out after I came to terms with the end of all of this... Boy, was that a hard process.
This day is so symbolic. It's been cloudy today, and the skies were really grey. Then, out of nowhere, shone a rainbow. A rainbow with a background of dark grey skies... Just like that little picture above, that really described what you meant for me.
Today is also special for another reason. Today you turned 18. And it was, unimaginabley hard for me to realize that I'm not a part of your celebration. Even though I know I don't know you, I felt like this birthday was really special for you. God, did I want to be there. And it's weird, as I didn't have a single thought about you in the last month. Then suddenly this date comes up, and I'm swarmed with all those feelings I thought I overcame.
But it doesn't matter. It's gonna be over, reall soon. Today marked the start of a countdown. That countdown contains 3 days, from now to Saturday. On Saturday, Wicked comes up one last time, and it's gonna be the last time I know you're around here for sure. I wouldn't be able to count on that anymore, not even subconciously. It's because you turned 18, and the army lurks around the corner.
I know you'll probably still be here a bit longer, but it doesn't matter- for me, from Saturday on, you're gone. It's only better that way. Now, I'm finally getting the closure I've been looking for. And I have nothing to say about it. And it feels SO FUCKING GREAT. I don't have to do anything, but it'll still be over. All I have to do is wait.
It's ironic how I'm happy, concidering the uncomprehendable amount of sadness I'm holding within me today, and will be holding throughout the next three days. You're finally gone, for real. For good.
I have only two things to say- thank you, and that I'm sorry.
Thank your for being so special for me, even though we've never met.
Thank your for making me feel things I've never felt before, and other feelings I never felt on such levels before, and probably would never feel again.
Thank you for making me hurt- for knowing what hurt truly feels like, and on the contrary- thank you for giving me hope, and something to yearn for, something to take comfort in.
Thank you for changing my life. I needed this change so badly.
Thank you for drawing me right near the edge, and making me realize what that edge is.
Thank you for doing all of this without even knowing how much impact you have on this person.
And finally, thank you for simply being, even though I never got to know you. I wish I had the chance. You seem like an incredible person.
I'm sorry for one thing. I'm sorry for that letter. That was the dumbest mistake I have ever made. That really made me see that no matter how hard I'll try to convince myself so, you are just not who I kept imagining you are. Or maybe you are. The point is, I never got the chance to find out. And so, I never should have sent it.
And so, with tears already welling up in my eyes, I'll say these final words to you, who'll never read it- Thank you for being such a special part of my life. I don't know if you can fall inlove with someone you don't know, yet. But I know I felt for you things I never felt for anyone else, even if it was for a character of yours I conceived in my head, and not the real you.
Goodbye, my dear. Thanks for everything. Enjoy life the best way you can. I know I'll try to do the same.
Farewell
בבלוג זה
בכל הבלוגים
