החיים כפי שהם

Time is passing different in this place. Summer is burning around us, and surprisingly it started raining like hell, we ran three blocks and got home soaking wet. The sea is only three minutes away from my aunt's house, and you can here the waves if there are no cars on the street.

Everything is so different, especially the absence of my grandfather (even people talking about how he's not able to get himself out of the house). We went to my grandma's house yesterday after I haven't been there for years. It seemed so empty, there was only one picture of him and his old bottles of whisky, his closet was still organized with his clothes and still had his scent. I tried so hard not to cry infront of my family, and only when I arrived back to my aunt's house I ran to the shower and wept a little. I feel like there is no one to talk to about him, because I'm not allowed to make anyone sad or upset, and I'd like to talk. Mabye just be silent and enjoy a hug, Yair's hug.

Tomorrow we are going to his grave to expose the stone (Matzeva). I wonder if they wrote anything special, his name in hebrew or something about him: that he faught with cancer, that he was a doctor, that over the past few years he's become fat and addicted to sleeping pills, that he was lonely, that my grandmother loved him more than anything, that he loved to read, that he went through 40 hours of flight to see his grandchildren in Israel when he felt like shit. I loved my grandfather, although I believed that he made many mistakes in his life (but who doesn't?), and I miss him being here with all the family. It bothers me that I don't feel like anyone else feels his absence, that no one talks about him but my grandma. I wish I could be with someone who can relate, that won't act like they've moved on already and that the only place they are allowed to be sad at is his grave.

And I want to come home, for a while, sleep in my bed. Wake up in my favorite pair of arms, kiss my boyfriend, get dressed and come back.

Beside all of those feelings, I am having a good time. I hang out with my cousins from the states (the two younger ones, the older is landing here on Monday), and I'm eating the best food, enjoying the stupid things my mom and her siblings do together (act like they were teenagers again). I just wish I could have my friends here with me, I miss their company and the Hebrew...

I must go, but I hope I'll get a chance to write soon.

Aya.