I have never imagined that it could hurt like that. Joni Mitchell is on my playlist now. So sad, damn it.

When he was here, we had our first real talk. Ass claims that it's our first fight, but I keep on denying that. Because we weren't fighting or disagreeing at all. It was completely different. It was our first real talk about the hard stuff. I think it' the first time he was honest with me lately.

Now my eyes are red, and my mom just can't stop asking me what the hell has happend. And what can I say to her?

When we just started going out, I was so scared. I had always heard alarms in my head, and it took me a lot of time to shut them up. Now I'm hurt here, and my head just can't stop saying to me the told-you shit.

Yeah, I got the fact that finally he chose to be with me. But still, I had to hear all the things that he'd said. He was the one that talked, and I was the one that cried. And damn, I couldn't stop crying, a hysterical crying. Then, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. It just hurt too much. And when he drew closer to hug me, I just pushed him away. I didn't mean to do that, I just did.

I don't know what's happenning here. All I can say that my heart is cracked a little bit, and it's not a matter to laugh at.

[Karma gets us all, eventually.]

She takes just like a woman

She makes love just like a woman

And she aches just like a woman

But she breaks like a little girl

[Bob Dylan - Just Like A Woman]

אני שונאת לזרוק דברים.

היה לי את זה פעם עד ששמתי לב כמה מעט מקום יש לי ואז התחלתי לזרוק דברים.

באמת, תחשבי כמה מקום היה לך אם לא היו לך דברים מיותרים.

אני יודעת, אבל מתקשרים לדברים...

צריך לדעת מתי לעזוב אותם.

כמו כל דבר בחיים.

יאפ.

[4.11.06]