"I think people, in the face of constant battle, at some point you get tired, and you just go 'I can't anymore.'"

(Torri Higginson, "The Real Weir").

And you just can't believe how correct it is, How right she is. And she is.

At some point, you're getting tired of this. At some point, you're just tired of all that fighting, tired of that long war that doesn't end. At some point you just don't care anymore, you just let go and going on with whatever it was that you fought against.

You're doing this for hours, days, weeks. Even months, if you have the power to keep fighting for that long. And that's a lot of time. That's really a long time, time that looks even longer then it is sometimes. And after that long... You just can't take it anymore, doesn't matter how strong or smart or good you are.

And then comes that moment, when you just give up, and screw everyone else. So sometimes you're trying to justify that, but sometimes you're just too tired of all those days to care about it. And so you don't even know what's going on with you, or you do know, but you don't care enough about it to try and change it. Or, like in the situation they were talking about ("The Real World", 3X06), you're just playing along with whatever it is, even if you know it doesn't make any sense or you don't want to. But you do. And it's not because you think you can deceive them or something. Just 'Cause you're too tired to care.

It is a constant battle. It became some... part of my life, I suppose, in the last four or five months. It did became a terrible, constant battle, battle that I did fought hard in the first days, or even couple of weeks. And I was about to give up, to stop fighting, to just going to a worse and worse places... And I know I wouldn't even care about it.

Then... Then "The Real World". Watching that one again, seeing her giving up and stop fighting, and then, thanks to one little thing, fighting again and this time doesn't give up... Making it back to that war, which isn't over yet, and fighting although it was so hard... And then back to the real world, to Atlantis. Being there with her and telling her not to give up, not to surrender and give those nanites what they want...

It helps you, seeing that she decided to start fighting again, to help herself and get back to the place where she belongs, It does help.

So thanks to them, and thanks to SG... I did managed to fight for another... I don't know, a month? Maybe two. So I did made it to the "Gate", I suppose I can use that metaphor, can't I? But then, because of one really, but really, stupid thing I did, because of one time that someone just said something or... I don't know. I don't care. I didn't finish that battle anyway. But the point is that now... now it's even harder.

And you look back and see that this battle was something I did almost every day in the last few months. And I have to admit, that even with their help, even with that precious help... It's just too hard. And I just don't think I can keep fighting. I just don't think I can keep going on, trying and doing all I can to get rid of those damn bastards. [Again, metaphor, if someone didn't understand].

I don't know. I truly don't know. All I do know now is that I'm tired of it, that I'm not sure I can keep fighting, even with Elizabeth and Sam's help. Even with my Stargate.

I just don't know.

I never thought that I'm even close to them - And I'm talking about their strength - but I did hope that I will make it back to the real world. With their help I actually thought I have a chance after I almost gave up at the first time. Now... now I'm just not so sure.

Ann.